Shorty & Morty
An Extraordinary Homeless Couple
"Do NOT take my picture little boy.”
Runyon Canyon at night…
Celine sat with her fake legs beside her – near the cliff’s edge where the bulldozer tossed High-Bench and her beloved 4’6” dwarf partner – Morty – down into the canyon with the rig plunging after. She looked at the empty spot that used to be High-Bench and was angered that their special bench – one enjoyed by millions – would never be the same against the backdrop of Krazytown’s nightlights. Evening sounds of the city were barely audible at the canyon top but the light breeze twirled the sounds of the local wildlife into a pavane as she continued to cry out through cupped hands: “Morty!!!! Come back! I NEED you!” Celine pounded her fists hard on the ground and sobbed when no answer came.
Celine began to crawl – as she had before she met Morty – leaving her legs behind as her legacy to the love that had saved them both. While dragging herself along – snapshots of Morty came into her mind. Morty tipping his hat when they were both Wharf-rats in the LA Ports. Morty getting tossed into the water and fished out when he was drunk by a film union guy. Morty making her legs and helping her up to see the world through new eyes for the first time. Morty getting the Physician’s Assistant in a two-legged scissor headlock at the County ER to protect his girl. Morty’s first kiss and the way he looked at her… Celine wanted to feel the rocks beneath cut into her – hoping it would relieve her mental and physical anguish or wake her from a bad dream.
Hugh E. was forced to look into the very mirror that he loathed – to set his nose after polishing off some more vodka. He grabbed two rags filled with ice – inhaled deeply and pushed them with equal pressure on both sides of his nose and snapped the bones back into place. Nesser cried out as tears rolled down his face – he continued to clean himself up – placing a color coordinated band-aid over new bump. Time for a party crashin’ and a little announcement after seeing Mattci’s pompous wave to him. Nesser tried banging Waldschmidt twenty years ago – she took his gardener instead – he told others they had rolled together many times but only his fans would believe that false tattle-tale.
He would show them all – he was no has-been. He was taking back his title in a new way and no one could stop him. Nesser wondered who would send a midget after him but he couldn’t be bothered with that little disappearance – he had a mission and it would be accomplished. His boxers licked his bloodied clothes as he stepped out to girdle his belly in. “Good boys – daddy’s gonna bring home some fun tonight!”
Hollywood’s Most Private Club ….
Mattci Waldschmidt’s tomboyish figure was firm with all 5’4” of her 72 slight years – her lined face had soaked the sun without cover for years. She carried it well. Mattci emerged from her socialite mother’s cave into money 4 x’s over which gave her a distorted view of life as a child. Her f^^k a star days were far behind yet her memories of a wild life kept her going. Just to piss off a crowd with a little less money she decided to preserve as much of the trails throughout the Santa Monica canyons by owning as many walkable trails as possible – not an easy goal in Krazytown’s quest for tourist revenue. When a backlot at a major studio was no longer needed – a match with insurance fixed the problem. Mattci loved what little nature was left in Los Angeles and hated fires – so she paid for protection as well as ownership but even her money was running out against the high stakers and the foreigners coming in green and greed – legal or not.
The Hollywood sign had been in peril when a millionaire had snatched it up for peanuts when no one was looking past their mirror. The ones in the know thought it would be bought back easily – until the millionaire mentioned it had road access – changing all the bull-sh*t negotiations. Bought at one million – sold back to Krazytown for over 15 million. It was all about the dirt. Everyone knew it was about the dirt and wanted more pay to carve out their stake.
Hollywood Boulevard no longer had the star on the sidewalk clout. Pressure to give up one's dirt could be a government – gang or mob play – or maybe just plain old age giving in to a younger generation’s lust of fast money over legacy or history.
Mattci – giggled – martini in hand – “Olivia – I’ve seen some funny sh*t in my time – like you kissing a Malibu dyke fresh out of rehab at many of my Christmas parties – but you aren’t going to believe why I’m late.” The women glanced at the Captain as Mattci continued her throwaway lines – “Okay – I was escorted here by this officer…” The Captain interrupted with irritation – “Captain – ma’am.” “Oops… of course you are – dear. Anyway – my driver couldn’t get past a bulldozer tonight in the middle of Mulholland Drive! Sh*t for shynola I couldn’t believe my eyes. Someone just left it there – without a driver. Isn’t that oddly delicious?” Mattci squeaked as she sipped her martini awaiting a reply – so she could continue.
Waldschmidt knew the rules of LA conversations – sip – act like you’re listening – have your next line ready – continue the story. A few heads in the crowd nearby were listening and so was Silent Nick outside. Yes – he was. Olivia was perplexed but Leah was not amused by the “dyke” reference. Mattci noticed Leah’s reaction – “No need to get your thongs in a knot we’ve all kissed a woman or two along the way… What are you?” She marveled at Leah. Lexington couldn’t believe her ears. This old rich bitch knew she might not be all female after all the work she had done. Inside she died a little death. “Border Blonde or South American? You resemble my maid – she’s a beauty too.”
Leah’s mouth dropped as Waldschmidt continued – “We all know that idiot Hugh E. Nesser – right?” Mattci tipped her martini glass back. The women nodded in distasteful agreement – the Captain swayed in discomfort. “I saw him outside of his gate howling at the moon and dancing these jerky moves – I’ve never seen him without his wig. Not an agreeable sight with his belly hanging out – then he spots me when I ask the officer for a lift and flipped me the finger before he rushed back inside. I think that’s funny.”
Dr. Copeland’s interest level rose – “Nesser was outside of his gate? Hugh E. the paranoid hack actor was outside on the street without his toupee?” Olivia laughed so hard she popped a button on her killer designer suit. Leah and Mattci tittered. The Captain stood silent.
Mattci turned to the Captain and said – “Officer – I bet you are aware that you’re not the only one with a direct line to Nesser.” The Captain inhaled – “Meaning what?” She loved knowledge or when people felt she was too old to be taken seriously – “It means I know why the two officers intercepted and gave Nesser a runaround when in fact the call was meant for you – my dear man.” Waldschmidt lifted another martini off a waiter’s passing tray and continued – “In essence you’re in with Nesser and no true money in this town will agree to that. So you have a choice - either drop Nesser and give him his comeuppance or you can start retirement in the morning.”
Captain Alejandro Abasta smiled under his thick mustache – the sweat came from wanting to strangle Mattci. He knew a lot of her talk was all adobe and no brick – he knew how to wet her back - real quick. Abasta let her pretend to be in control when it was he that owned the kitty.
Inside a limo…
Hugh E. had showered and bandaged his nose. “I’ll say I did my own stunts on set.” Then he paused - "I took out an MS-13 gangster all by myself because my body is in amazing shape! No one will argue with that." Patting his freshly tightened girdle beneath his suit coat - he ordered the driver to stop in front of the hotel and stepped out.
Hollywood Boulevard outside the hotel…
Nesser tossed him a dollar and told him to wait. The driver's eyes reflected hate in the rear-view mirror. Hugh E. blew cigar smoke at Silent Nick and asked if he knew anything about a midget in town as Jared and the boys passed with Babes.
Jared twirled around and recognized Nesser. “Oh – you’re the man of the day if not the universe. Did you meet the midget too? I can help you find him.” Hugh E. looked at Jared and Josh then Peter and leered at Babes. Peter held her tightly and turned her head.
Jared slid on “Excuse me Mr. Nesser didn’t you do that 50’s show… what was it called…” Pissed - he replied – “60’s show you demented idiot! You probably were too high to remember watching it. Have a childhood did we? Or were you busy playing with Midges instead of G.I. Joes?” Hugh E. snapped. He sniped at Josh. “Do NOT take my picture little boy.” Jared squared off – “Listen Mr. Nesser – I’m just trying to be a good Samaritan and I am a long time resident of HOLLY-WOOD – these boys aren’t with me they’re my fans. Something you might know something about.” Jared preened. “So – midget or no midget – did you see him?” Hugh E. roared – “Midget no more.” – turned and entered the hotel.
Babes whispered to Peter – “Jared? Something happen to Morty?” “Not until I kidnap that little dummy. Let’s move.” He leapt forward. “What I’m sayin’.” Peter agreed and followed in Tango with Babes. Josh skipped to keep up - his camera slung over his shoulder.
Silent Nick sat in his curbed wheelchair outside the side door and took donations from those who entered the hotel. Laughing with earbuds in – he was dismissed as just another homeless whackadoodle to toss a chump change at for a cause. The room was bugged. Oh – YES it was. Nick had the ins and outs of the conversations in his ears as the coins hit the can.
He loved Hollywood – no one was who they seemed and more often not – who they said they were.
To be continued:
I love these characters, their Krazytown nieghorhoods they reside in with the other misfits, tourists and has been or wannabe - "bluebloods." This journeys beyond the films or the in-character interviews. I hope they will bring you as much pleasure as I had creating them!