Shorty & Morty
An Extraordinary Homeless Couple
Morty hugged her tightly – then heard – “Hey – imaginary people – watch this!”
Shorty & Morty’s Shack somewhere in Hollywood or the hills…
Celine and her 4’6” man – Morty heard the savage cries of a madman on a bulldozer as he rammed against Runyon Canyon’s High Bench – echo throughout the darkness. The loud thud they heard were rocks of cement falling from atop the hill – a few had landed hard against their tiny home. Laughing while singing a twisted tune – badly – Toot, Toot, Tootsie Goo' Byeee – Hugh E. Nesser had decided to take the rig into his own claws.
Celine was terrified – “What are we going to do?” Morty grabbed a flashlight and a small knife he taped to his leg – just in case. “I’m going to meet a famous a$$hole – lock the door behind me.” “But wait! You can’t leave me alone!” She shouted. Morty pulled the door open a bit and implored – “Celine… just this one time please do as I ask? I promise I’ll be back.” Then he smiled as he shut the door. She heard his small footsteps running off. Immediately she grabbed her crutch and mannequin legs. “Leave me behind – will you? I think not. The fun’s about to begin.” Celine squealed as she clumped out the door and slowly headed after Morty – uphill.
Runyon Canyon at night ….
Hugh E. Nesser angled the dozer – knocking off the two smaller benches – hopped out – thumping his feet to an unheard native drum – prancing in a circle to celebrate – tossing back some his inebriated chrome dome. “Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! Check that babeee! Bye bye benchie… bye bye…bye bye benchie don’t cry…” Hugh E. looked over the edge of the canyon with a delirious smile as he postured then hopped back up on the bulldozer – aiming for High Bench. The bulldozer slammed against the cement holders that bound the magical green bench – known worldwide – but the ground held firm. Nesser backed up and lowered the blade’scutting edge to dig deeper under the heavy foundation. He hit all four sides when the bench began to move and the earth near the canyon’s edge began to crumble.
His large boxers were running freely – peeing and playing along the trail nearby.
Morty with flashlight in one hand and slingshot in other was getting closer as he heard Nesser’s singing and laughter. The dwarf muttered – “I’ve had it with you big men thinking you can just take – take– then take some more just because you sold out for the bucks in your pocket.” His ears burned as he stormed forward. Ruining beauty or forcing change for the sake of nothing more – than one could – was no different than legal murder in Morty’s mind. From his vantage point he knew he couldn’t stop the bench from annihilation but Morty was going to be sure this rich a$$ would never forget him.
The dirt beneath High-Bench finally loosened as Hugh E. began screeching with guttural ecstasy when his boxers charged by barking. Morty hid in a small bush and pinged off the three dogs one-by-one – sending them home unbeknownst to Nesser.
Hugh E. slugged back the rest of the large bottle and tossed it out of the rig. He bellowed loudly and badly – “Bye bye High-Benchie bye bye… bye bye High-Benchie don’t cry…” The bulldozer had the bench at the edge of the top of the canyon when a high-pitched shout coincided with a steely thwap to Nesser’s shoulder. “Ouch – what the f^^k?” He looked around with confusion as he shoved the gear into idle. The darkness hit him with newfound fear as he whistled for his dogs. The only answer was a steely slam to his forearm.
“Ouch! F^^k! Who’s out there? What little pigf^^ker is hiding? Come out come out or..." Whipping out a small pistol with a sneer – "I’ll shoot your a$$!” Another steely hit Nesser in the stomach. “I will kill you! Don’t you know who you’re messing with? You chicken – bawk bawk bawk – come onn… Show yourself or DIE!” Hugh E. shrieked – ready to exit the compartment.
Morty rolled around to the other side of the dozer and scrambled up quickly atop the diesel motor compartment – laying flat. Nesser was leaning out and shot off a bullet. “Come out – bawk bawk…!” Morty rolled to the passenger side and leaned in to shoot off a steely that would make a deep dent and it did into Nesser’s backside. Yes-siree.
“AHHHH!” He whipped around as the dwarf met the rich demon face-to-face. Hugh E. screamed in agony as Celine finally graced the top of the canyon – obscured by some bushes. That’s when Morty went for Nesser’s throat and the two flew out of the compartment’s driver side onto the ground – with the dozer running.
Nesser yelled – “Get off of me you f^^king midget! (Morty bit Nesser) Ouch – you little wiener dog!” Nesser kicked Morty off while he was attempting a leg lock around Hugh E.’s sweaty and disproportionately fat body. The gun went off and they both stopped by the scream of a woman’s voice.
Nesser tumbled off to the dozer cab to hide behind the heavy machinery.
Morty bolted in the direction of the cry. “Celine! Celine!”
Nesser sat in disbelief as he saw what stopped Morty in his tracks – a woman with fake legs limped towards them laughing. “I’m not hurt– a bullet put a minor dent in my crutch leg is all. Did you get the rat bastard? This is going to be fun!” Morty hugged her then heard – “Hey – imaginary people – watch this!”
Hugh E. gunned the dozer’s pedal as Morty flew over and scrimmaged up the front of the compartment – banging his fists on the window. “Don’t do it! Leave the bench alone!!!” Celine came limping up as she heard Nesser yell – “Oh f^^k you little man – no one ruins Nesser’s plan!”
With that – the last of High-Bench crumpled to the canyon floor – Hugh E. jumped out of the cab as the dozer followed over the side and so did… Morty.
Nesser danced with a high he hadn’t felt since he popped his first cherry – unaware Morty went with the bulldozer as Celine found a new strength in her own raging shock.
Celine clobbered him with her crutch leg. Hugh E. squealed like a pig – “AHHHH!!! You broke my nose!” Celine hit him repeatedly until her other leg gave out and she fell. Nesser cupped his hands over his nose and swayed – crying. “I only wanted the benches. You aren’t so supposed to even be here!” Hugh E. ran towards his mansion wimpering – “I’ve got my fans to think about!”
High-bench and the two side ones were gone for good. Celine put her legs on and limped over to the edge – hollering from the marrow of her bones – “Morty!... Morty! Please – please answer me!” Silence as her words echoed throughout the canyon.
Celine threw her head back – her clenched fists at the night sky – she achingly voiced – “You don’t get to leave me this way… I need you… please come back…”
Hollywood Hills off trail…
Forearmless Jake chattered through methed clenched teeth at Pikey Pram Pusher as they came upon Pike’s home in the hills. “Pike don’t ya remember when we had a home under the freeway? The cars and horns blasting put me right to sleep – but not Chevy Volt! He knocked up that DJ kid – Bubu Girl and then she got hit by a car. Remember that? Man that guy was loud.”
Pikey kept humming – “I want my… I want my… I want my EMF…” Jake getting higher by the second – raised his elbows into the air and said – “Man-o-man – MADD upped the DUI’s and the greedy-boy politicians figured Caltrans was da perfect chain gang for those who had to pay for drinkin’. Remember we used to get our pads destroyed weekly by those orange vests? Joe citizen doing court time – pickin’ up leaves my a$$ – while the city takes the dough and the homeless had to go or be moved along.”
Pikey yanked back the plastic flap door to his make-shift – secret hideaway. He was dying to spend time with his beloved E.M. Fredric's Early Works – the two entered. “Wow Pike – you really oughta think about getting a maid or laid – whatta dump!” Pikey was at his pram –she was gone! Someone had stolen his DVD!! Yesirree. Pikey started ripping through the carriage and his pad as Jake begged – “Pike – slow down we’ll find it. It’s probably misplaced.” Then Jake saw the secret pocket in Pikey’s pram was empty. Oh – yes it was.
Pikey glared at him and stormed outside. The coal black giant roared in agony – his beloved was gone. Whoever stole his DVD of E.M. Fredric’s Early Works would pay the mustard seed on this one. He stomped off with Forearmless in tow…
To be continued... Yesiree...
I love these characters, their Krazytown nieghorhoods they reside in with the other misfits, tourists and has been or wannabe - "bluebloods." This journeys beyond the films or the in-character interviews. I hope they will bring you as much pleasure as I had creating them!