Shorty & Morty
An Extraordinary Homeless Couple
"I wouldn’t be surprised if you lost your life’s savings at a carnival and wound up with a stuffed banana.”
Hollywood Boulevard night…
Silent Nick listened to party patrons’ conversations – with glee. This wasn’t the first time his earbuds tuned into the veins of the inner goings-on of a soiree in Krazytown and it wouldn’t be the last. No-sirree. He had almost undermined the metro – he just might have had something to do with that little sinkhole incident on Hollywood Boulevard when it first started – knowing it would be bring an onslaught of outsiders and drugs under the guise of helping the locals by tourist trade. The only thing tourism helped was to make more money for the few who already had it – like worker ants transferring eggs.
A Taiwanese man dropped a dollar in Silent’s cup - his buds snapped his pic with Nick. The ugliness of humans – their insatiable desire to be captured in a light other than what they are - was not lost on this homeless-by-choice descendant of a Golden Era’s gone-by Hollywood royalty couple.
Joan Crawford’s daughter getting hooked by a clothes hanger - slim beatings compared to what Nick had endured growing up. He treasured his anonymity since that accident that curbed his lifestyle - decades ago. The sneak sidewinder attack on Mulholland Drive - as Silent raced his MG toward home – almost made him another casualty of an intentional hit – that lined the canyon walls. Oh – YES it was – a family declared mark nonetheless. That’s when he became Silent Nick – dead to the world. His MG was as mangled as his legs – a gay homeless couple came upon him and nursed him back to health.
Hollywood’s Most Private Club ….
Barry - the handsomer of the two - died from the 80’s AIDS epidemic years ago but Frank was now one of Nick’s inside men on many political events after Nick repaid their kindness by keeping his secrets - always adding to them. Priceless… snickered Nick as he heard Frank whisk into the room announcing his arrival – “Oh Dr. Copeland! You darling woman – how wonderful to see you!” They air-kissed as Leah Lexington hissed under-her-breath – “This a$$hole is not stealing the wine from my decanter. Not this time.” Frank leaned back as he began to lead Olivia away – “Oh dear – Leah – you’re looking so Les Mis. How quaint. Are you one of the girls yet or still one of the boys?”
Lexington placed one red stiletto forward – “Frank – you gutter dragged faggot – sweetness. I wager we walk across the floor and see who attracts the most real men and I don’t mean the ones you’ve blown to keep the Gay and Lesbian Center going. Even Harvey didn’t cry milk.”
“At least I have a center Leah – you’ll always be just another pathetic courier of drag queens who can’t reproduce. I wouldn’t be surprised if you lost your life’s savings at a carnival and wound up with a stuffed banana.” Frank smiled viciously as he steered Dr. Copeland away. Lexington spit back – “I don’t need a banana anymore than you’ve ever popped a cherry. We’ll see who gets the bank tonight.” Frank put his hand to his lips – raised his shoulders in mock shock – “Why Leah –your losing your feathers and guess who has the tar – baby!” Nick coughed with laughter – down below. “Stick it to ‘im Frank. Atta boy.”
Hollywood Hills off trail…
Coal black – Pikey Pram Pusher was on a rampage destroying brush and trees along the way with Forearmless Jake ducking behind him dodging the debris that he flung. “Pike… we’ll find your EMF DVD… slow down man – you’re gonna give me a heart attack like when that walker Kacey Madera told old Kent Say after sex that he was faking it and the dude dropped dead. Can you imagine the last thing you hear before dyin’ is that screeching voice of hers sayin’ ‘Stop it! Stop it! You’re faking it! You’re faking it!!!’ Then rolled him for what little he had and left him dead. Man – some b*tches are cold.”
Pikey stopped and faced Jake. Forearmless looked up and knew the meth had overtaken his tongue with lightning speed. “Okay… k… you big oak tree let’s get to the bottom of this.” He pointed his elbows machine gun style and started rat-tat-tatting. Pikey’s shoulders heaved – his eyes resembled flashlights - he was lit up about losing his only girlfriend… who found his E.M. Fredric's Early Works and who would dare take it? He was gonna find them and kill them if she wasn’t safe.
Pikey leaned his head back and roared – the stench killed some tree rats nearby as Forearmless Jake tucked his face into his armpit.
Mr. Weldon – the Hollywood Census Social Worker – was trying to keep up with Krazy Kate’s frenetic energy in his hope to track Razor who had made off with his boxes of pancake mix and the delicious Mrs. Butterworth. “Kate – slow down…” The overweight social worker stopped briefly to catch his breath and thought to himself that he never should have been so easy on that Shrekian homeless a$$ after taunting him over his candy bar addiction. He groused over the amount of information Razor had on him and couldn’t believe he actually had the nerve to break into his car and steal his flapjack dough. “Kate!!”
Krazy Kate turned with a sock puppeted hand and slammed into Michel – sock puppet’s owner. The effeminate Michel who was dressed as half-man – half -woman – make-up artfully applied gasped – “You thieving witch! That’s MY puppet – I’ve been looking everywhere for him! Give him back to me… NOW!” Katey started spinning with fear – too many lights and sounds as she pressed her arms to her ears. Michel’s black netted see-through skirt twirled in indignation as he stomped his heeled feet making his dangling earrings swung like ghetto-bling diamond pendulums gone searching-for-magnets.
“Give him back to me!” Michel lunged for Kate as Weldon tried to brace himself between them but the weight of Michel’s high-heeled foot firmly planted on the social worker’s canvased shoe top – puncturing his skin – Weldon screamed in agony as his arms flew up – his a$$ fell down onto the sidewalk hard. A sharp pain shot throughout his leg. Rolling around clutching his cramped calf - he yelled at Michel who had Krazy Kate by the hair – pulling her to the sidewalk. “Michel – leave her alone. She didn’t mean any harm!”
“She stole sock puppet! (Michel to Kate) Where’s that stupid naked acupuncture doll you had?” Kate smiled brightly and blathered – “He got cancer and my husband ate him!” Michel shook his head as if trying to clear cobwebs out – “Hand him over - you thieving looney-fied witch!”
Giggles among a growing crowd aimed their cameras at the trio. Michel bared his teeth as he and Kate rolled around on the sidewalk – Weldon rubbed his leg and foot – sock puppet was pulled off Kate’s arm and landed on the ground near a bicycle cop’s tires. Michel dove for it – tearing his skirt in the process. The officer looked down as Michel manipulated sock puppet – coyly trying to flirt with the cop – who was having none of it.
The shorts bearing officer and his female partner leaped off of their rides and the male cop said – “Halt! Everyone relax – back-up is coming.” The trio froze. Krazy Kate grinned – “Good evening officers! Can I ride your bike?” Weldon chimed in – “These are my clients – officers I’ll take it from here.” With offense Michel interjected – “I’m not your client – honey – (to the male officer) – this witch stole from me so I’ll just be moving along.” The officers played to the crowd. “We’ll talk about this at the station.” Playing to cellphone cameras held up by the growing crowd – the officers smiled – “Everybody go back to enjoying their night. There’s nothing here to concern yourselves with.”
Bicycle cops had a different attitude than the normal black and whites – or as Forearmless would declare – “Stay away from those control freaks at all costs unless you’re a sadist lover. I seen two cops intentionally handcuff the McGrillen brothers and pour their whiskey bottles out in front of them – with no tourist action around to witness the cruelty – just cuz they could. They even taunted ‘em as every last drop hit the pavement. The McGrillens are war vets who suffer from never being right after doing their part of violence. I’d take a bull dyke female cop over bicycle riders – maybe the seats make their a$$es sore.”
The male cop let the trio know he had gotten a public disturbance call which Weldon tried to explain as Michel batted his false eyelashes while Kate started laughing – so the cop did what cops like to do for city revenue – he arrested all three even with the social worker crying out “But I’m the local census updater and these are clients! There’s no need for this!” The cop smirked – “You hang with your clients you take the same ride as them.” The female officer waved to the crowd as she helped with the cuffs. Weldon shouted – “This is crazy!” Micel winked – “Welcome to Krazytown. Wanna share a cell – big boy?”
Kate – Mr. Weldon and Michel were loaded into the rear of a patrol car and passed an alley – bringing into view Razor with his cart piled with boxes of pancake mix and bottles of Mrs. Butterworth. The social worker demanded the cops stop and reprimand Razor – they said “Sure.” and kept on driving. The cops blew their horn and spun some lights to catch his attention – for one brief moment Razor thought he was a goner as he saw Weldon’s face first then the other two. He saw the cops weren’t stopping and he relaxed into a huge grin and waved as the car passed. Yelling past with his gravelly voice – “Pancakes on ME tomorrow!” Razor pulled his rubbing alcohol bottle from his breast pocket and took a long swig. “Just you and me Mrs. Butterworth.” He replaced it delicately with a tap of his fudgy fingers.
Weldon’s scream rose as they sped to Hollywood headquarters. He couldn’t believe Razor got away with his private stash and he was being arrested for loving pancakes.
Runyon Canyon at night…
Celine continued dragging her legless body across the ground when she felt a snake slither past – disappointed it wasn’t rattlesnake – she wanted to die after losing her 4’6” partner in life – Morty. The man who had built her legs and taught her about being loved was gone over the side of Runyon Canyon with a bulldozer holding High-Bench as he fought with hack actor – Hugh E. Nesser. It was only minutes ago yet seemed surreal. Celine didn’t understand how time could stand still now when it never did as she and Morty madcapped around Krazytown finding new ways to survive.
A thousand thoughts drifted through her mind as her doe-like eyes caked with tears – being alone again was not something she could do again and she had an evil man to take care of and she would not die before he paid for killing Morty.
To be continued...
I love these characters, their Krazytown nieghorhoods they reside in with the other misfits, tourists and has been or wannabe - "bluebloods." This journeys beyond the films or the in-character interviews. I hope they will bring you as much pleasure as I had creating them!