Shorty & Morty
An Extraordinary Homeless Couple
“Give me my girl's legs back or I'll snap yours in two!" EMF
Hollywood Boulevard - Day…
The costumed characters were having a slow day in front of Grauman’s Chinese Theatre on Hollywood Boulevard as the ‘good’ Spiderman complained to the ‘evil’ Spiderman - “Man, screw this. Let’s go get high.” The men removed their webbed hooded masks and headed down the street amid blaring horns and exhaust fumes. Tour buses stood emptied and waiting while the taxis swirled the streets like a swarm of killer bees preying on the tourists – hoping to get at least one honey or sucker for a toll. Mid-week on the boulevard didn’t spring alive until the last shadow was thrown or unless summer had come.
The social worker – Mr. Weldon - or as Razor would cackle: “I bet you were mister well done when you were born.” - relentlessly herded in more than the usual numbers for his added homeless census count. Razor had just left Weldon’s drab office with his nose primed to sniff out a new dumpster so he could hoard the extra food tickets he had received because that’s how this dog hunted – until he spied Krazy Kate - drifting along – her head abuzz with sensory overload. A condition that was hers but shared by many who never spoke about it outside of her community.
Further down the boulevard…
A make-shift table covered with a black cloth held foot high towers of a musician’s CD as a song caught the wind’s tail and deliciously escaped through tall speakers – capturing new ears along the way. The tall musician – Steve Huber – with wavy brown hair – was mustached and possessed an infectious smile. Huber had traveled the world extensively with symphonies and performed with many bands but after hearing about the world’s most extraordinary homeless couple – Shorty & Morty – Steve’s mission was to capture them in a thematic composition. He had scored!
It was magical - hauntingly lyrical and yet contained no words. Passersby – even some of the homeless - took pause - it was as if they knew this particular song had been composed with them in mind. Huber gifted a CD to those who couldn’t afford it while he gifted everyone with a smile and a wink. The tune slowly - then more quickly - spread up and down the boulevard – to Huber’s delight.
Krazy Kate saw Razor and put her head down but he was having none of her ignoring him today. “Hey Kate! Wanna come eat with me? I got an extra ticket.” Razor teased as he held out the ticket a little too high. Kate whipped around with a huge grin on her face. “A ticket? You got a ticket for me? A ticket…that’s how I got my cancer…no…that’s when my husband ate the dog…” giggling - Kate started swiping at the free pass to lunch. Razor laughed behind his woman shades – raising the ticket higher, “Katey… Wanna share some sausage with me?”
Kate nodded eagerly - not understanding his double entendre as Razor planted his enormous mug in her face. “Then meet me here at 4PM not one minute later and we’ll go together!” Kate was nodding when she heard the musician’s song from a mini boombox the truly blind - Zippy was carrying as he tapped his way past. “Sausage? That ticket ain’t worth more than a minilink!”
Zippy roared at his own bad joke while Razor quipped, “Zippy? Shut the fuck up.” Kate started dancing to the song coming from the boombox and when Razor stormed off - even his gait shifted to the beats of the tune. Crowds were starting to form around Steve and his CD’s were quickly sold. People were literally beginning to dance along the sidewalks.
Peter passed Razor animatedly in chat with his inflatable girl – Babes - and tangoed with her through the crowd. They headed towards Jared’s place to inform him that another musician was taking over some turf. Peter knew Jared’s music would clear this guy out of town whenever Jared got his band back together. More importantly - Peter still hadn’t had a chance to find Jared and relay that Morty had gotten away to look for his girl, Shorty (Celine) who had been carted off by the paramedics when her legs got bumped off by a car in the crosswalk.
Steve Huber sat in Mr. Weldon’s office – awaiting his interview as any composer would – with wonder until he was mistaken for a homeless person – offended he stomped out. He couldn’t believe the social worker didn’t understand his work as a fine composer on the short – Shorty & Morty – was real. Or so he said…
The County ER…
Meanwhile – back at the hospital – Morty – still 4’6” - had managed to clamp onto the Physician’s Assistant’s neck in a scissor move with his tiny legs. An orderly warned an officer that trying to pry the dwarf off would only enable him to better choke the Physician’s Assistant who was still being called - “Thief!” Morty hollered, “Give me my girl’s legs back or I’ll snap yours in two!” His hands tightly held onto the Assistant’s ears – like a bronco rider. The Physician’s Assistant gasped, “Help. He’s gonna kill me.”
Two officers stood by not knowing what to do next when homeless - Pikey Pram Pusher – stepped into the fray. Pikey was a tall coal black homeless man whose clothes hid his snake-like strength. When he caught an unsuspecting person’s eye they were mesmerized by his watery grinning eyes and large smile until he’d start to chew and when he chewed – you ran. 1The officers moved back with hands on their holsters and noses – respectively. Patients and people waiting to be seen – began screaming again while the dying - applauded the scene.
Everyone had forgotten Celine - her eyes opened slowly and focused in on what was taking place beyond her gurney…
To be continued…
I love these characters, their Krazytown nieghorhoods they reside in with the other misfits, tourists and has been or wannabe - "bluebloods." This journeys beyond the films or the in-character interviews. I hope they will bring you as much pleasure as I had creating them!