Shorty & Morty
An Extraordinary Homeless Couple
“Exactly – that’s why I’m ME and YOU are…"
Mulholland Drive night - in front of a mansion gate…
Hugh E. Nesser was ticked – he knew what it felt like to be flavor-of-the-month and he made sure he had taste-tested many rainbows after paying the price for that ride. He ruled this part of the hill – at least in his mind he did and the neighborhood knew it. When his friends – the real police – showed up he lit into them enraged by how he was treated. The older officer tried to calm him down with what he was told of the night’s pepper spraying and handcuffing.
Nesser would have none of it – “Do these young people you train know who the f^^k I am? The arrogant little pigf^^kers need to be brought down in front of their peers! I didn’t buy off half the force to let a few squeaky clean dipsh*ts think they can call some shots – understand?! Do you understand me?!!” Officer Carzone replied – “Yeah – let’s just say the call went to the wrong area and if we get caught taking money these dipsh*ts could have our careers – okay?”
Hugh E. slugged back some vodka and grinned – “Have your careers? I own those from buying you people your uniforms or pretending I care about the inner city kids you support with lots of donations and MY face! I own a few non-for-profits that help kids – whatever gets MY face out there is what matters not the crips! Check that at the newsstand and we’ll see who has clout! You guys are like Zsa Zsa’s bitches!”
The officer winced but continued – “I found the bulldozer driver and he took off because – his words not mine – ‘A crazy midget was shooting me with pellets or rocks and some gypsy lady with no legs helped him take over the rig.’ He said they looked like carnival freaks. So – High Bench and the others go down later tonight.”
Nesser howled – “Carnival freaks? Half of this town is from the circus and the other half are space-cadets. I am the pantomiming ringmaster not some slipshod fly-by-night success!” He slammed back more vodka and swayed. “I’ve had a successful career. I am a brilliant actor! I’m about to go immortal with these hills. Screw plates – mugs and posters. The earth will be my signature for generations to come with every local or foreign a$$ who sits on my name or walks on my steps. Or as Rod Stewart would croon…” Nesser began to sing Tonight’s the Night as the officers grimaced while covering their ears. Hugh E. danced with a vengeance – sweating like the swine that he was – it was an inside job as the streetlights bounced off his chrome dome.
The officers begged off saying they had a burglary in progress. Old Mattci Walschmidt – his Mulholland Bel Air neighbor – slowly passed by Nesser. She started to wave as he rubbed his belly – belched and drunkenly posed with an extended middle finger. Under his breath he spewed – “Rich c^^t on a hunt. I’m taking your hills back – MY way. Someone needs a special visit. Miss exclusive club me out no more…”
Then – Nesser went into his mansion all by himself and called his boxers.
Hollywood Boulevard night…
Peter and his inflatable girlfriend – Babes – spotted Jared – standing on an overturned box – orating to the public he believed was listening. “These two dolls signify the most dangerous addiction in the world. Yes – boys and girls – moms and dads – wannabes and gonnabes – I am the King of Puppet Addiction not that fake demonic puppetboy that was just here… I don’t have a hat for your contributions so please – put them into my doll.” He held one doll and the headless one was propped against the front of the box under his booted feet. A few complied with coins – then a bearded man in a wheelchair rolled over and tucked a bill into her neck.
Jared noted – “Thanks my man – considering your impairment – the rest of you could do better – right?!! I mean come on… the gimp gave green…”
Jared was cut off when the two boys and doll scurried up – Josh ran his camera as Peter and Babes applauded enthusiastically. Jared looked down – hypnotizing Josh with – “Dude unless we’re doing a rock video and I have an ironclad contract – there’s no shooting.” Josh freeze framed. “Do you have any idea of who I used to be or what I am about to become?” Josh shook his head – slowly. “Okay… that’s fair… you’re young and stupid. I get that.”
He stepped down into Peter’s face – “Now tell me – any midget news?” – whisking up his second doll. He bowed grandly – with a smile – as he flipped his fake wig back and adjusted it. “Let’s troll. Time to find the dummy and his girl – hold my doll.” He shoved the headless doll into Peter as the trio hustled along. Babe whispered to Peter – he smiled secretively and pulled the top bill out of the doll’s neck – a $100 bill. He had the best girlfriend ever – now he could take her to more movies and on hot dates. When Jared questioned his newfound happiness – Peter straightened and said – “What I’m sayin’.”
An exasperated Jared quipped – “Exactly – that’s why I’m ME and YOU are… well… let’s leave it alone – for now.” Jared wondered why he allowed this mentally retarded kid to tag along with his sex toy doll and realized there would come a day when he had to give that doll up and guess who would keep the prize? His eyes shined like super- bouncy rubber bullets ricocheting.
The man in the wheelchair glided along the boulevard navigating human traffic. His backpack on the rear of his chair and his attire made him appear like another homeless cripple but he had a secret – his genetic markers aligned to famous royalty of Hollywood’s Golden Era. When people proclaimed – “You’ll never see another Hollywood like this – ever – again!” As the silent moved to talkies and the money controlled the markets around the world – he knew that things never really changed – they just shifted. He knew too much and had a very bad car accident along tow-truck drive – Mulholland – where many cars hang undiscovered or ignored.
The Hollywood he knew as a child was gone but Disneyland was coming to Krazytown and he would be a forceful pirate in a newer Caribbean hood – he had planned that since his accident. Most thought him dead. He would give them all a surprise. Lost but not forgotten – Hugh E. Nesser was a skank – no more – no less and he would help eliminate or just inch his little britches down. The wheels of his chair squeaked as he laughed thinking – Michael Moore has become the new Richard Simmons. All fat boys got thin at one time or another– like skinny chicks got fat and when they commandeered the pay squad – they blew up and down faster than a hot air balloon. Any diet spokesperson or talk show host would agree.
The wheelchair wizard called himself – Silent Nick – it rhymed with trick and he knew all about the tricks in his town. They just lost sight of him as the populace exploded. Tinsel Town had lost her globe a long time ago and the snow was about to be returned with the glitter but the gold would be a fight.
Silent Nick dropped a C-note in a panhandler’s palm. The anorexic woman blessed him and let go of her child’s dirty hand as she raced to score. The child screamed and cried – only eight – but understood mortality’s fix on life.
Shorty & Morty’s Shack somewhere in Hollywood or the hills…
Celine slept fitfully talking in her sleep with alternate accents. Morty knew not to rouse her quickly when she was so deeply gone. He sat up and stroked the inside of her elbow to help calm her. It troubled the dwarf to see his girl so frenetic and knew it was partially the Demerol and the high jinx toll of being inspected like a bug at the County ER – busted out only to see that puppet addict meeting lunatic – Jared – then making a swift getaway.
Morty knew Celine had demons that never came to the surface from a past she struggled to remember. He smiled at how delighted she was to help him maneuver the bulldozer to the middle of an adjoining street to Mulholland. He was sweating and she was laughing – always wanting to try something new – it’s what he loved most about her. He hoped she erased her past – it didn’t serve a purpose for now.
Morty realized that High Bench – their romantic nightly respite was in peril of being gone for good – not for progress – with greed shaded by untruths told of the financial state of the largest city in California. Her capitol was the larger offender – making Krazytown seem but a microcosm of smaller shadier deals of happenstance. This was the last pit stop to attain any of the American dream – everyone came here to get that – but few who lived here achieved it – with soul in-tact.
He watched as she slowly breathed more evenly and leaned over to kiss her lightly on the lips when Celine bolted upright and their faces smacked hard. “Ow!” “Ouch!” in unison they held their mouths. Morty complained – “Ahh – ya made me bite my lip…” She spoke over him with – “That hurt! Is my lipstick gone?” The dwarf laughed and told her she looked beautiful and sat waiting to see what she would come up with next.
Not one to disappoint Celine inquired – “I was thinkin’ maybe we could go to the anorexic’s meeting tomorrow and nab some food again or how about let’s go get tickets for Let’s Make A Deal?! Then we could do stuff or fix up our place!” Morty shook his head – “That head of yours never stops. It’s a good thing I don’t mind being arrested.” She sliced him off again – “Morty I was dreaming and we have to do something about that man on top of the hill – he’s trying to ruin the park.”
Morty had been watching her in amazement – “Celine?” “Yes.” “Did you dream about anything else we need to go over before we go to sleep for the night?” he chuckled. “As a matter of fact I did. When the doctor surprise stuck me with the needle he leaned in really close and I remember what he said to me.” Morty straightened up – “What did that a$$hole say? I wanted to kill that guy!” She soothed him with – “He said he could help me. I don’t think he wanted to hurt me…” “Yeah – right.” The dwarf was up doing a 3-step pace – space in their shanty was tight. “That guy drugged you and who knew what coulda happened. You worry me. I wish you wouldn’t be so trusting. It’s why those other guys took advan…” He stopped when he realized he had gone too far.
Celine was sitting up with her eyes wide open – the hurt hung like the heaviest London fog. Through baby seal eyes – she said – “I think he knows why I lost my legs.”
The deafening whir of a helicopter hovered by – another lunatic on the loose. The dwarf jumped up and looked through their small window – the spotlight didn’t detect them as he watched it bounce around the hillside. No movement of an intruder but he took her dried crutch leg and jammed it against the doorknob as a safety measure. “Hey… what ya usin’ my leg for? What if we decide to go out?” Celine demanded. With a finger to his lips – “Shhh… it’s time to rest – Toots – can we just get some sleep?!” he said with exasperation. Her arms went out and he dove into them. While they rocked – Celine whispered as the chopper hung nearby – “That’s one loud bird. I hope whoever they’re lookin’ for… gets away.” Morty looked up – “Me too.”
Forearmless Jake and Pikey the Pram Pusher passed Zippy the homeless mayor who gave them a nod. Zippy could smell Pikey but couldn’t see. Fresh out of jail for saving Shorty (Celine) and Morty – Pikey wanted to get high and watch his EMF DVD… he missed her as much as he pined for Celine. Jake spotted the dealer first – “There she is! Candy-girl-Lane!!” – Jake hollered as he high-elbowed Pikey.
To be continued…
I love these characters, their Krazytown nieghorhoods they reside in with the other misfits, tourists and has been or wannabe - "bluebloods." This journeys beyond the films or the in-character interviews. I hope they will bring you as much pleasure as I had creating them!