Shorty & Morty
An Extraordinary Homeless Couple
“This is the messiest celeb I’ve had since… The last one we had.”
Shorty & Morty’s shack in the hills somewhere…
Forearmless Jake hyped his methed out explanation of Pikey’s destroying the homeless abodes to Shorty & Morty as the foursome strolled down into Hollywood – “Someone stole his girl and it’s breaking his heart. Would ya happen ta know who would do dis kinda ting with his DVD girlfriend?! I mean what kinda crumb-face would do a ting like dat?”
Morty – the dwarf - looked at Celine – “Ugh… no can’t say that I would.” Celine looked at Pikey and felt the hurt that oozed from his eyes.
Pikey Pram Pusher – imaginary-badged guardian of the homeless population in Krazytown – had never felt love in his life until he discovered an old DVD demo of E.M. Fredric’s Early Works. In studying her doing various roles – slowly Pikey began to understand that he had emotions too – not just a roar that paralyzed people with his stench.
Like King Kong – he had been smitten by the homeless’ leading lady – Celine… but she had a guy – even if he was only 4’6” tall.
The Pram teared up for the first time in his life when he watched EMF’s scene of being molested – he laughed at her little girl character – Rene – who always talked about her older brother thinking he was soooo cool. Pikey watched her for hours and knew he had never come across anyone like her - other than Celine - but Shorty had Morty – there was no room for this coal black male of magnanimous strength. He never talked – giving it up after his uncle was murdered in Krazytown.
Pikey felt like King Kong with a lady fair that was not acceptable to society to love so he opted for the DVD version instead – bringing him great pleasure and less loneliness.
As the four came down the side street and entered Hollywood Boulevard the flashing lights of an ambulance stood out. The crowd around it seemed unusual. Most nights when an ambulance came it was either a quick O.D. by some wannabe celeb or a sick tourist – the homeless rarely took ambulances. They weren’t welcomed or treated like most people.
Pikey was getting anxious as Celine touched his arm – “Don’t worry – we’ll find her but you must promise me no more destroying homes.” Pram Pusher nodded. Forearmless tattered – “Aww man – there’s Jared! Leave it to him to try to get attention. Must be someone of note in that glorified taxi or he wouldn’t botha!” Morty was ready to bolt and Celine held him by the arm – “Noooo… luv – slow down. No more fighting tonight. I just got you back!” “All right – he’s safe for this night.” Morty grumbled. The four watched.
Celine with a southern drawl calmed – “Pikey you must stop destroying our people’s homes. It’s not right.” They watched partially while hidden around a building.
Celine looked down at Morty – “This looks like fun. I wonder who they’ve got in there?”
On Hollywood Boulevard…
Michel was livid that he had torn his skirt. “Katey? I hope you know where I can find a decent seamstress because this is MY favorite skirt!” The social worker – Mr. Weldon was headed back to his car in the parking lot near work – all he had in mind was getting that EMF DVD and somehow placing it onto Katey or Michel’s body. Weldon smiled – “I think I have something in my car that will hold your skirt together – let’s go.” Michel stopped and stared at Weldon – then Kate – then Mr. Weldon – “Well – this is a first. I’ve never heard you offer to help anyone unless there was some sort of string attached.”
In a parking lot…
“Nope – no strings…” he started as Katey interjected – “Strings? Strings? Oh my – I have puppet strings or at least I had them.” Michel snidely retorted – “You gave them away – you ALWAYS give things away and then you steal what doesn’t belong to you – you’re a naughty girl.” Katey stuck her tongue out at her transgender friend. “I do not. He got lost and got cancer and then the dog ate him before my husband ate the dog! And…” Mr. Weldon – “SHUT UP! The two of you! Jesus H. Keey-rIst!” The social worker was at his car now where Razor had bashed his window in to steal his flapjacks and Mrs. Buttersworth. He dug around as Michel and Kate continued to banter back and forth.
Finally – “AAAA-HAA! I found it.” He raised up the E.M. Fredric DVD with Rocky victory.
Michel delicately looked at his fingers and coyly remarked – “Mr. Black Man stole the DVD and is going to DIE for it! Pikey is going to rip your limbs off – one-by-one.” Then he started to giggle which had Katey start up.
Weldon yelled – “You don’t call me Mr. Black Man anymore Michel or I’ll stop your operation in its tracks. What are you a chub away from freedom?” Michel gasped loudly with his hand to his lips - “You wouldn’t dare – that is so wrong on so many levels that not even a fatboy like you would do something like that.” The social worker snapped back -“Who you calling fat – Mr. or Mrs. Dough-eater? You better believe dat and shut up! I’ve had it with you people. Man – work my a$$ off and do I get a thanks? No. Nothing but mental illness in return.”
Katey interrupted – “I think you’re special Mr. Weldon even if you’re black and fat – I like you lots and so does my dog and my husband and my cancer….” “KATEY!!! Stop!” He wiped his sweaty face – then slid the DVD into her purse as he said – “Look at those red lights!” Katey’s head whipped around - “Lights? Lights… oh and ambulance! I like ambulances – woo-woo! Can I go look?” He just nodded his head.
Michel looked long and hard and whispered loudly – “Jared is over there. I have to go or he’ll take Sock Puppet away.” Katey – “I won’t tell him you have Sock Puppet out – I’ll say…” Michel hissed - “Katey? Shut up!” He pressed his fingers to his mouth. Katey swirled her cowboy boot in the gravel and looked down. Mr. Weldon said – “I want to see what’s going on before I go home.” The three headed for the corner down the street towards the whirring lights.
Outside the ambulance…
Jared tried shoving his way through the photographers as the paparazzi pushed back – like a see-saw. “Hey dude! Dude! Come on… I’m not just some Nesser fan – I’m probably the only friend the poor man has and he’s having a rough time. I just want to be sure my bud is in there – unlike when they took Michael Jackson away or Elvis. Those were faked escapes.” Jared tried to get closer to the ambulance rear doors to no avail. “Come ON guys – I mean really? An officer will be sent out here soon and then where will you be? Let me get past and I’ll get you a better shot because he’ll ask for me.”
Captain Argata Arteaga may have been known as Mattci Wallschmidt’s “boy toy” but he was really Nesser’s man. Arteaga had been trying to break that mold but he knew he had a job to complete. Hugh E. had paid to have High-Bench demolished with new benches replaced along with his name on them. Argata knew he had to follow through on this unless Nesser died and that wasn’t happening.
Nesser told him enough times throughout the years that his system was stronger than anyone else’s - he would never die. Arteaga thought it best to play it safe. Mattci didn’t have to know he was in on the plan to place Nesser’s name on every step and bench for tourists and locals to sit on. But = he had to get into that ambulance and straighten out a few things.
The Captain walked over and the door slowly opened as he crawled inside – careful not to step on any residual vomit. Jared jumped up and down in the background yelling – “Hugh! My man! I’m right here buddy!" Nesser’s face was covered as he waved to Arteaga which Jared thought was him.
Jared proudly posed for the crowd - "See – see? I told you he recognized me.”
In an ambulance…
Hugh E. Nesser struggled as the sedative the paramedic injected him with had no effect – no different than when the police tasered Rodney King. His resistance was high and he still had more projectile to get rid of as he covered the nearest paramedic with his burp to the ninth power – choking his words out – “You pigf**kers let me out of here! How dare you kissnap me. I am not going to the hospital – there’s nothing wrong with me other than a lil flu bug.”
Matt Borcee – the larger paramedic – tried to calm Nesser. “Mr. Nesser – you have alcohol poisoning and we need to check your stomach for ulcers.” Nesser laughed – “My stomach? I’ve bared my guts to half the town! Wanna see some me make some modern art with it?” To which he splat more on Matt’s white jacket. Matt’s partner – Louise Freefoall slammed another sedative into Nesser’s arm.
Nesser giggled – hey little lady – it’ll take a lot more than that to knock me out. Wanna mess around? Come give us a kiss…” as he shook his rug back into place. Louise pulled his oxygen mask down over his mouth. Matt looked at her – “This is the messiest celeb I’ve had since… The last one we had.” They both laughed as Nesser started clawing at his mask. “Special people… my a$$.”
“Argata you pigf**ker! Your friend blew my rig and I killed a midget tonight. I need you to clean up this mess and get the rest of the job done and I mean pronto – tonto! No more lone rangers!” “Yes sir.” Arteaga nodded and hopped out as the flashbulbs continued.
Jared made his way inside and declared – “Hey Sleeping Beauty! This is a HUGE OPPORTUNITY - a potentially star-makin-life-changing project! I got plans for us my friend!”
With that – Jared was tossed out onto the concrete. A little boy laughed and pointed – “Look mommy! A midget!” Jared shook his head and turned in time to see – Morty – Celine with Pikey. Forearmless Jake lifted his elbows and rat-a-tat-tatted as they backed up. The boy started screaming – “A monster! A monster!”
Jared bolted for his prize…
To be continued…
ILLUSTRATIONS BY DYLAN BOCANEGRA, BABY, ORTEGA, NESSER & PIKEY
I love these characters, their Krazytown nieghorhoods they reside in with the other misfits, tourists and has been or wannabe - "bluebloods." This journeys beyond the films or the in-character interviews. I hope they will bring you as much pleasure as I had creating them!