Shorty & Morty
An Extraordinary Homeless Couple
“Who’s coming out?” “Is it a star?” “Are they alive or dead?” “This is SO exciting!
Hollywood’s Most Private Club…
Silent Nick smirked while listening to Hollywood’s most private club. He had many years to think of his ever changing country – his family’s Golden Era gone-by legacy living with the same money and drug problems hushed under a bigger carpet – the red one. One sibling who was responsible for the initiation of Silent’s MG careening off Mulholland Drive – died of an overdose – or did he?
Nick simmered the thoughts of growing up with his four brothers and sister of mixed maternal bloodlines – living under the same roof with maids – new and younger mothers and their famous father of yester-year. His father’s bloodline had harkened back to the Brits of theatre before coming to the land of Colonies – the Barrymores and the Richardsons were considered peers of an acting feather at one time.
As the silent movies turned to talkies – Silent’s father and two aunts hit it big – they burst into and bred more money in England – now it would come full circle. His uncle had died young of alcoholism while his aunts followed suit during their careers in America – even Nick understood the physical damage women’s bodies developed faster than men’s – yet none could stop tipping it back.
Silent’s father had the movie star looks yet his character off-screen was just another abusive drunk. “Rich and mean” – Silent’s mother used to scream during the years they shared before she went mad trying to bring her husband back to the man she thought she married.
She drank with him – excused herself at high society parties – emptied her stomach in the ladies’ bathroom – returning with a giggle – to engage in a sip of her “first” glass of liquor – as she posed heel and toe kicked up for the photographers. Soon to be locked in a sanitarium like his father’s other wives. The women actually believed they were the problem because the talent of their husband was so grandiose – his power even larger and his looks didn’t corrode – until he did.
After his mother died – Silent Nick decided he would write a tell-all book about his family and their chaotic lives and loves – had and lost – but more dangerously about how they immersed themselves with politicians to help create the fantasy of Krazytown to maintain the “playing fields” as it were – uneven – or the same. Depending on your bankbooks' contents – information was selective.
The microcosm of entertainment made for excellent breeding grounds to elect a Mayor or to kill a President – Silent watched it all as a young boy who was cured of polio – bedridden much of his younger years as he grew stronger and handsomer into his father’s image. He was an intelligent observer. His father felt one of the most dangerous kinds because young Nick wasn’t an ordinary conspiracy theorist – Nick knew things – and that had to stop.
The family thought it ceased when the publishing of his book was halted – all copies were burned except one. The small publishing company that had taken it on also burned down – with owners and employees inside.
The secret of power and who had what – needed to be buried so Silent “died” a tragic death in that car accident. Frank and his then lover – Barry had help with Pikey’s uncle. One of their own had died a needless death due to the AIDS epidemic. Frank always felt Barry would be alive if he had been heterosexual.
One free burial in exchange for freeing a life – Nick became the silent ear and forever thankful benefactor to a bereaved Frank when his beloved partner succumbed to the same disease – as he also became the unheard heartbeat of Krazytown when things went “right” or “left” of what was expected – chances were –Silent Nick was behind it.
Silent sat with his earbuds and recalled that awful night of being chased off the sidewinder canyon – the fear he felt careening – in slow motion – feeling the metal crunch and intertwine with his body. He thought he was dead when he heard Frank and his partner – Barry – call out –the two gay homeless lovers who saved him.
As he listened to the party what swirled in his brain is how nothing changes – it just steps aside before repeating history again. Mobs – gangs – different cowboy in town making the same deals so the Sheriff’s jail would keep growing with the people who needed boundaries – according to the selected few who represented their freedom. Of Thee – they sang.
Inside the club…
The ex-60’s star Hugh E. Nesser was sprawled in his own vomit carousel with the fanboy waiter – as both tried rising up. Nesser – ever the narcissist declared – “My name will be all over the lovely canyons you keep so tightly at your little boy breasts – Mattci! I am going immortal and will be here long after everyone in this room dies! I’ll be the last to go! My name will coincide with Steve Hawkings and Napoleon DynOH-MITE by the time I’m done!”
As the waiter’s lithe body stood wiggly – he pulled on tubby Nesser. Each attempt Nesser got closer to being upright – but like a rubberband – he snapped back into his own chunks.
His Tango without the toilet hung all over his clothes and face as he babbled on incoherently – “I’m gonna be the next president of the United States – if SAG could put a chimp loving idiot with no memory in – I’m announcing my candidacy! Course we liked the guy cause…(burp)… he made us tons of more money. Woo-hoo! I got rid of High-Bench and the new benches and stairs all over the canyons will have MY name on them! YOU are my people and we’ll get richer together!”
Nesser leaned over and picked up a partially filled glass of booze on the floor – he gulped it back to the disgusted murmurs of the room.
Tranny Leah Lexington, Frank, Dr. Olivia Copeland, Mattci Waldschmidt and the rest of the elite club patrons stood back and held their noses as they gasped.
Mattci was irate – “Hugh – you better not have touched those landmarks! I’ve spent my life preserving the trails!”
Nesser belched loudly –“My nose was already broken when you hit me – for no good reason I might add – but your punch turns me on. I bet no one in this room would know you ginger moustached me when I first got to town. Up at High-Bench – no less!” Nesser roared at his own misconducted lie. He wobbled to his knees and quipped to the waiter – “Help me up fanboy – you know you want to be me! Everyone does.” His high pitched giggle resembled the original Joker.
Captain Aragata Arteaga finally spoke up – “Mr. Nesser you inarticulate piece of sh*t! The paramedics are on their way and so is TMZ. I hope…” Frank coyly laughed as Hugh E. interrupted. “Arteaga I own your taco stand and everyone knows it! Your wife – sisters and daughters are mine… ”
Hugh E. had lifted his finger to make a point and his eyes rolled back into his head. Yesiree. Then he promptly passed out to thunderous applause as the paramedics made their entry with cameras flashing.
Hugh E. Nesser was wrapped in a blanket and swiftly gurneyed out.
Hollywood Boulevard late…
Meagan Canary – almost iconic amongst the stripsters – put a little coo into Jared’s ear about TMZ showing up for Hugh E. Nesser’s departure from Hollywood’s elite hotel. Canary’s fluffy blond hair and rhinestone glasses against her leopard skin-tight dress – that hiked as she strutted – knew the value of press having been arrested with a few celebs in the back seats of limos. Her pay scale for happy endings – skyrocketed and everyone knew her name. “Cheers!” she loved to holler.
Jared raced across the street and shoved his way through the crowd as he saw the ambulance lights – his blood thirsted for his moment of fame.
Peter and Babes with Josh trying to shoot footage as the TMZ guys crammed in front of him. Police officers were holding people back as the crowd asked loudly – “Who’s coming out?” “Is it a star?” “Are they alive or dead?” “This is SO exciting! We’re going to be on the Hollywood Newz!” Shrieks of recognition went to confusion as Nesser was wheeled out. His rug had flopped forward and to the side of his head and he had a mask over his face.
Jared caved through the boys and Babes and yelled out – “That’s my friend – Hugh E. Nesser! Oh dude – you shoulda called me back! Who hurt you? I’ll take care of it.” A camera guy with rig came over to Jared and started filming “his” story – The Jared and Hugh E. story that went back in Jared’s head for at least a decade or so… as he spoke into the mic – “Hugh E. is a good man – drinks a bit too much perhaps but then don’t we all have our addictions in Krazytown? I mean this man even owns a set of marionettes – I’m a puppet guy myself and to know that a man of this stature prays to the same puppet God that I do is simply – awesome.”
Jared’s eyes blurred in and out as he spoke. Interviewer – “Did he always wear a rug and girdle?” Jared smoothed his own fake long hair and smiled – “In Hollywood – my friend – does it really matter? I mean we’re talking find me a– make that any woman with real breasts – not that I mind larger additions…” Jared was interrupted by a ear-splitting scream from inside the ambulance.
Nesser was having a complete meltdown – “Ahhhhh – get that midget off of me!!! I killed him! I killed him! Now he’s back to kill me!” Morty was on top of Nesser choking him and pulling the oxygen mask off of his face. “You took High-Bench but you didn’t get me!” Celine chimed in with her British accent and raised crutch leg – “A leg for a life you overstuffed tart! Mean man – no one takes my mate away from me!”
Nesser went ballistic – clawing at the air while spitting and crying – he began to beg for his life – “It was an accident! I didn’t mean it!” Morty got into his face – “Liar and only thing worse than a liar is an LA hugger. Smile – hug – fork to the left – knife to the right. You demolished part of our world and we’re taking you for a ride.”
Nesser SCREAMED: “GET THE MIDGET OFFA ME!!!!” as he shredded his toupee in his delirious state.
The paramedics slammed a sedative into Nesser and tried to calm him down.
Jared shoved to the ambulance rear as the doors shut. “Wait a minute! Hold on! I know that midget he speaks of! Open the doors! Let ME SEE THE MIDGET!!!”
The cameras were having a field day.
The paramedics had their hands full with another rich and famous – alcoholic’s – full-blown psychotic episode.
There was no midget in the ambulance.
On the sidewalk outside the hotel…
Silent Nick chuckled at the drama unfolding. Soon the social worker with Krazy Kate and Michel would be here along with Zippy and the usual crowd of regulars but it stunned him to see some of the elite coming to the street and watch. Wowee… and they didn’t know who he was.
As some smokin’ a reefer would say – “This is some good sh*t.”
To be continued….
LEAH LEXINGTON, MATTCI WALDSCHMIDT, ORTEAGA & FRANK BY DYLAN BOCANEGRA AS "PETER"
I love these characters, their Krazytown nieghorhoods they reside in with the other misfits, tourists and has been or wannabe - "bluebloods." This journeys beyond the films or the in-character interviews. I hope they will bring you as much pleasure as I had creating them!