Shorty & Morty
An Extraordinary Homeless Couple
“We’re going to jail – I love jail cause… it’s fun!”
Hollywood at night…
In the rear of the patrol car the hefty social worker sat sandwiched between Michel and Krazy Kate. The three had plastic handcuffs on as they argued and pleaded to be let go…except Kate – she loved everyone and everything. “Pretty police car – woo-woo! We’re going to jail – I love jail cause… it’s fun! The last time I was there I had cancer and my husband..” Michel chimed in with his perfectly penciled in arched eyebrows and ruby red lips – “Katey - dear… Shut up!” Mr. Weldon bellowed – “Officers – please listen to me. These are my homeless clients and the scuffle you witnessed - I was trying to break up. They have mental problems. I could lose my license if you take me in.”
Katey giggled as the two cops glanced at each other a looked in the rear-view. Michel - “Mental problems?! Honey – how dare you try to put me into that category! I’m one of a kind and I know what box to mark on questionnaires – there is no in-between! Officers please don’t turn the corner too quickly – I might get smashed to death by the weight of this man’s body.” Weldon retorted – “You got a belly under that lacey skirt – don’t you poke fun of my weight.”
Kate – “Smashed to death? I remember I was almost smashed to death once… no that was my dog and…” Michel effeminately spoke for the officers’ ears specifically to Kate – “I should slap you silly for stealing Sock Puppet and now he can’t breathe from the tightness of these unnecessary CUFFS – he could DIE and it’ll be your fault! ALL YOUR FAULT!” The social worker tried interrupting to no avail as Kate chattered on – “I love Sock Puppet and Jared’s gonna kill you for having him out at night. You’ll see… you’ll see…”
The police car swerved to the nearest curb and the officers left the trio behind – leaving a stunned threesome behind as the car’s flashing lights colored the cars slowing down.
Katey started to cry – her feelings were hurt. For this one moment her past flooded into her mind. Flashes of abusive memories darted around her brain like acupuncture needles – she grabbed her ears and started violently shaking her head. “Get outta my head! Get outta my head – no more room for you! No more room!” The social worker couldn’t get through to her but Michel put Sock Puppet to work extending his yellow-yarned hand with mini glasses. “Hi Katey!” Kate looked suspiciously at the hand as Michel had Sock Puppet suck the demons out of her ears.
Krazy Kate looked at Michel’s hand and cooed – “I love Sock Puppet!” Sock Puppet – “I love you too – Katey and you promise to never steal me again – okay?” Kate frowned momentarily then smiled and snorted – “Of course I won’t steal you. You belong to Michel! Be careful Jared doesn’t kill you. He killed my doll.” Michel was shocked – as Sock Puppet continued – “It’s okay we can go get you a new one when we get out of this awful neighborhood. Can you believe they just dumped us here?”
Katey was beyond gleeful as Weldon stood in disbelief at his clients. “What is it with you people and these puppets?” Sock Puppet got in the social worker’s face – “Honey – us people – really? Don’t tell me you never played with dolls. I’m the security blanket everybody needs.” Kate piped in – “He has Pikey’s DVD girlfriend! Yes he does!” Sock Puppet snarled – “If that is indeed the truth – Pikey will kill you ever so slowly if there’s one scratch on that demo.” The social worker’s eyes widened – “You know Katey – she exaggerates – like talking about having cancer and her husband eating their dog.” Sock Puppet replied – “Are you so sure that’s her imagination? You’re upset with Razor for stealing your pancakes and you took Pikey’s girl? The Pram lives for her. Ugh… universes of differences. You are walking dead – mister.”
Weldon replied – “I didn’t take a DVD from him which hardly qualifies as a girlfriend! It was sent to me. Would YOU know who did that Kate?!” Katey jumped – “Know? No… no I think Jared’s gonna kill me… no he’s not.” Sock Puppet – “Try that on Pikey – you better give her back to him. Katey don’t worry we know you didn’t steal anything – like you didn’t steal even me? You never – ever try to steal me from Michel again – understand?” Katey gulped – “Yes.” Weldon shot back – “I didn’t steal her… I mean I never stole anything! You crazy people are mixing me up.”
“Missing your Mrs. Butterworth – Mr. Sanity?” Sock Puppet asked.
The social worker began to sweat. Yes – he did.
Jared zoomed along the street winding in and out the late crowds with Josh following as Peter tangoed with his inflatable Babes – the two in a world of their own. Jared stopped as Josh crashed into him. Annoyed – the puppet ringleader rolled his eyes – “Damn it’s a kid.” As he scanned the “normals” across the street. “Peter! Peter!” Peter two-stepped up hugging Babes tightly – she squeaked – and gave his hero his full attention. “Okay – we need to split up and get a midget sighting – I want that little dummy to pay for wrecking my meeting.” Peter smiled and nodded – “What I’m sayin’.”
Josh the camera kid started to speak but thought otherwise when Jared looked at him. “You can shoot me when I say so – it has to be perfect – actually…” A group of young girls with pierced lips – ears and noses dressed in revealing Goth came giggling by. “Like now!” Jared tapped Josh and moved Peter and Babes aside. “Good evening ladies – have you heard of ‘Bangin’ Up?’”
The four teens looked at Peter and Babes and started laughing – “A blow-up doll? What the f^^k? Ever kiss a real girl? That’s so not solid!” “Ladies, ladies… these are my fans and ‘Bangin’ Up’ is my new band.” Jared pulled out a flyer from his rear pocket. “See this guy here? He’s my drummer and he’s getting out of Celebrity Rehab and we’re starting all brand new. You don’t look like Bieber-itches to me – you look like you know and feel quality.” His eyes focused in and out as he stood with crossed arms of self-importance. His constant state of detoxing from an unknown high was ever present.
One girl brazenly quipped – “Celebrity Rehab? Are you kidding? My little brother wouldn’t watch that!” Jared grabbed his flyer back and said through gritted teeth – “Really? Well – watch this opportunity go away – little girls. I thought you were more grown up – not ordinary ghetto bait. Move along – really – you have NO idea of what you’re missing and who you’re talking to. Opportunity knocked – bye-bye!” The girls scampered off as Jared’s hand grabbed Josh’s camera and hit the rewind button while the strap was still around his neck. Josh choked and coughed as Jared released him and said – “We’ll get a better take later now spread out boys – find me that midget. I’ve got things to do.”
Jared whistled as he strode off – striking poses as he made his way.
Hollywood’s Most Private Club…
The room was near capacity and talk was at an all-time high considering cocaine was put in the closet when Belushi died – heroin and other designer drugs had replaced the open snow. Frank managed to get Dr. Olivia Copeland away from that tranny – Leah Lexington – to ensure his introduction to Candace Holmberg – an older art patron with even deeper pockets. Candace was the opposite of the nature trail blazer – Mattci – her clothing was meticulously tailored – accentuated with large pieces of antiquated – yet expensive jewelry. She left a perfume trail – standing still. She was on her 4th face-lift but had just gotten into fillers so her appearance was younger than her 83 years.
Frank had the perfect pitch – he needed money for his Gay and Lesbian Center and intended to get her to drop a huge donation by hiring all of her gay artist friends for a gallery fundraiser for their new City Councilman they would put into play so everyone stayed in business-as-usual mode. Hollywood business was no different than D.C. – the wars were more hidden but as false and ruthless nonetheless. Even if he was on the Board of Trustees and it was illegal – he would be sure to get a bit of that cut – everyone had a non-for-profit to move their money around from the government. He intended to out every iconic male or female celebrity with a likeness that would promote “Gay Courage” – gay pride was old news to Leah but Frank loved the sound of an old banjo as much as he loved young men.
Silent Nick had kept Frank in-the-loop for years after he and his then lover had saved him from a violent crash off of Mulholland Drive. Frank never forgot his homeless years but he also had gotten used to the money attraction and what he could control as the lead dog sniffer for Silent. Nick allowed Frank to have some financial freedom while he played homeless in his wheelchair on the streets of Krazytown – taking great comfort in his choice to remain dead to the public and more importantly – to his well-known family.
Outside photographers had flashed their sticks at upcoming socialite/reality show/celebs by sex-tape initiation and sport dough ties – Alana Carbo and her younger sister – Louvre – in perfectly matching calpink2 minis. Silent smiled as he viewed the parade with his ears plugged into the party they were entering.
They were two of six sisters taking Krazytown by storm with their new project – “My Sister’s A B*tch and So Am I!” – a huge hit on the never-ending reality show circuit. They couldn’t sing – dance or act – but their daddy had connections and was happy to pimp his daughters off. They were willing to do whatever it took to get some respect by notoriety – even if it began flat on their backs in a sister duet with their “boyfriends” that lasted as long as the camera caught their images before hitting the Internet. Paris Hilton had nothing on this newer family – she was old newz in Krazytown. The two underage young blonds with affected English accents posed as they grabbed new drinks off a passing tray. Old and young money mixed in this very private club – and much was to be decided in this meeting of how Hollywood would continue to be the world’s #1 attraction and lie.
Hugh E. Nesser had just swayed into the party with a public no-no sight to behold – the Asian King Sisters who loved playing naughty twister were holding him up. Nesser didn’t realize these stained dresses were hookers of ill repute or considered low-class Carney girls. Leah Lexington’s ruby red lower lip dropped open at the sight.
The room quieted as the overly loud trio slap dashed into a waiter – knocking his tray to the floor as they lifting someone else’s drinks from it. The Asian twins laughed and Nesser roared as he began to perform for the two after lighting a large cigar. “Thank you girls! This is my first private club meeting and I am honored to be escorted by two lovelies such as yourselves.” The girls applauded – even their cheap ghetto bling bracelets could be heard rattling. They said in unison – “Thank you Mr. Nesser.” – laughing about the amount of money he had paid them to walk into the door.
Everyone in the room but Nesser knew they weren’t allowed to be among this crowd. This crowd didn’t like his type either and considered his rise-to-fame as the worst chicanery – more-so than the politicians they were putting into office. Nesser’s rug had slid to one side as he shook his hips blowing smoke rings. “I’m so happy to be here! Thank you for being my beautiful escorts as he squinted from being so high – “Are you girls Siamese twins or Asians? What the hell did I just say? I’m joking of course.” He roared at himself looking around to see whose attention he had managed to get. At the moment – the room slowly came to a standstill of whispers as the richa$$ continued – “You all are my people! My fans adore me but YOU are my people! Give yourself a round of applause!” Nesser stumbled while clapping his chubby hands.
A new starlet – Valerie Johansen – stepped back as Nesser eyed her 22 year-old body hungrily. “Hey there cutie! Haven’t we met before? Maybe spent a little time together?” Johansen new to the world of fame but not of bad manners – replied with a smile “My grandmother was such a fan of yours.” Nesser’s face bulged into a watermelon meat mess. “Really – I think she even had a copy of that old show you were on – wasn’t it a Western or something?”
Nesser grabbed some food and stuffed it into his mouth and said grandly – “Your grandmother? Really little girl? I bet you starved yourself into that frame. Being famous is a bitch isn’t it? I could do four of you at one time. Have any sisters?” As Nesser swallowed he licked each stumpy finger after another to clean any residual crumbs off with his inebriated tongue.
Johansen was quick to reply – “No I don’t but I do have a girlfriend you took advantage of when she was drunk. She told me how very small you are. Just a mean little man aren’t you?” Valerie’s bodyguard stepped closer to her. “That Band-Aid must’ve hurt. Piss the wrong woman off?”
Nesser snapped back – “Listen you little anorexic nobody to nowhere of now! I’ll make sure you never work again! I have my contacts just like the rest of this room and money talks a lot more than your entry-level career that’s about to standstill. I’ll have you know I busted my nose fighting for a lady’s reputation. Just ask my friends here.” The Asian King sisters’ eyes widened momentarily as they grinned and drank.
Slowly the room came back to a buzz – ignoring the lepers that had arrived. Krazytown was famous for knowing how to make anything disturbing seem invisible to the naked eye if she wanted – her tinsel could make you disappear for good if she wanted. She had done that to so many with stars in their eyes or loins and the boys behind the whole charade kept the show of the biz going – like the man behind the curtain.
Silent Nick was enjoying listening to this charade outside the hotel in his wheelchair.
In the darkness Celine couldn’t see that Morty had hit his head against Runyon Canyon’s rugged wall and rested on a slim ledge in some brush that grew between rocks. She stopped dragging her legless body and sat looking at the view of Krazytown. The only love she had ever known was with this man who built her legs from a crutch and a mannequin leg so that she could see the world from higher than three feet tall on her bum’s view.
Her thoughts raced to how quickly everything had happened. The belligerent drunk and known hack actor – Hugh E. Nesser – both rug-less and girdle-less – had come unglued when the duo had run off his paid task-man who was ordered to remove Runyon’s landmark High-Bench. Morty had solidly beaned the man off the mountain and came after Nesser to stop him from destroying beauty that had been felt from travelers around the globe. In a fit of rage Nesser had let the bulldozer go with High-Bench in its jaws and Morty clinging to the cab window – to the canyon’s floor below.
Celine had been the recipient of cruelty most of her life but never had anyone taken her love away from dancing on her colorfully decorated sock stumps – she sat broken and depleted.
To be continued...
I love these characters, their Krazytown nieghorhoods they reside in with the other misfits, tourists and has been or wannabe - "bluebloods." This journeys beyond the films or the in-character interviews. I hope they will bring you as much pleasure as I had creating them!