Shorty & Morty
An Extraordinary Homeless Couple
“I have to roll – I’ve got a midget to troll.”
Hollywood’s Most Private Club - Night…
Inside Hollywood’s most private club the patrons had dispersed quickly and without fanfare - after Hugh E. Nesser’s revolting baring of his guts. It took the cleaning crew buckets to fill and remove his spilled contents. The gorgeous tranny - Leah Lexington – left angered that she hadn’t been able to procure a set inside investor for her own personal transgender center. She knew her cause would hit pay dirt – even if nobody else believed him – almost to be – her. She had specifically dressed for this particular private affair and now it would be another procession to ready herself for.
Outside the Club…
Frank passed Silent Nick on his way out with a mere nod and dropped a note in his tin cup. The note contained information lost in Silent’s earbuds when Nesser brought on the ruckus. Vital to keeping his friend informed of what was going on in Krazytown’s political and social scene that few were privy to. Silent Nick smiled as the beautiful young starlet - Marlene Marro - passed him – as if he were part of the concrete. She didn’t know her uncle was alive and still very monied – he just played the homeless part to cover up his violent demise years ago off of Mulholland Drive. Oh – her father would pay for that one day – when Nick was good and ready. His plan of a homeless uprising wasn’t too far in the distance.
Jared had bolted after the paramedics had thrown him out of the back of the ambulance carrying Nesser when he saw Morty. That “little dummy” that he wanted to pay back for ruining his last puppet addict meeting needed a lesson or two.
Peter and his luscious inflatable girl were doing the tango as Josh was looking at some footage he caught of Nesser coming out of the hotel – strapped to a gurney. “Solid – this ought to make me some dough when I meet my new friend and backer - Steven (Spielberg) - soon as I finish my movie on Shorty & Morty. His camera was too late to catch the two as they took off with Pikey Pram Pusher and Forearmless Jake with Jared in tow. As Jared strode on - he whistled – “Peter! Shorty & Morty! Split up!” Peter and Babes raced after Jared – tripping along the way with Josh following closely behind.
As ambulances screamed by - Michel walked with Kate and the Hollywood census worker – Mr. Weldon griping – “Two ambulances? Really? I mean this town is getting worse every day – Mr. Black Man - and you think you do us such a big favor with your tokens and free food. That’s a Band Aid.”
One ambulance toted an irate Nesser as the other carried the body of a tourist freshly killed by a transient. The Disneyfication of Krazytown was as cosmetic as Grimms fairy tales redone. A man had taken a photograph of a sign asking for donations – when he refused to give the homeless guy a buck as requested – the tourist was immediately pounced on by several men. He had been stabbed in the stomach and died quickly.
The overweight social worker continued – “Michel – you will always be stuck as a she-male. You’re no Leah Lexington – not even a John Waters’ Divine. You’re just a washed up fairy with no game.” Michel had Sock Puppet on his hand – “Did you hear that?! OMG what a potty mouth he has! Sock Puppet shook her head up and down in agreement with Michel. “At least I don’t fall asleep with candy bar wrappers stuck to my face at work!”
Katey started spinning out – “Washed up? Washed… oh I washed up today and then it cleaned out my cancer but not my poo-poo. That was a messy one but I fixed it! I fixed it! I fixed it with candy bar wrappers! Snickers and …” “Kate! Shut UP!” bellowed the social worker. Michel and Sock Puppet came to her defense – “Don’t you talk to her that way!” Mr. Weldon – “You and that stupid sock are far worse and stop calling me Mr. Black Man – or… I’ll sit on you until you pop!”
Jared turned the corner – banged into Kate - she fell to the ground. Jared was livid – “Jesus Kate! Why are you always meandering all over the sidewalk? Whose cancer did you eat today… hmm.. Katey dear?!” To Mr. Weldon – “Hello – Mr. Social Worker – taking a stroll with the clients? Really? At night? Pathetic.” Michel hid Sock Puppet behind his back. “I have to roll – I’ve got a midget to troll.”
As Jared pushed past the social worker called out – “You missed the puppet on Michel’s hand – you puppet dummy!” Jared froze and turned. “Whose calling who a dummy – lard-man?” His crazed eyes took in Michel. “Are you playing with puppets in public? Are you?!! You know that’s against the rules and how dangerous that is! Are you?!!!” Michel put his/her head down and played with his lacey see through skirt while pointing his heeled foot up and down. Kate interjected – “No Jared! No puppets! Please don’t talk about puppets!” Peter listened to Babes and announced – “It’s behind his back. Heyo!”
Jared shook his head – “Social service dude? Smoke some poison oak and get a rash.”
To Michel – “Dudette? I’m gonna make you slam nom pork rinds when I get back!”
To Peter – “You guys go that way and I’ll go this way and we meet between – check every alley along the way – especially the dumpsters!”
A few blocks away…
Celine hobbled as fast as she could as Pikey took long strides with methed out Forearmless Jake gangling on next to him. Morty stopped to help Celine - her crutch leg needed reattaching. Gallantly - he kissed her leg and said – “Toots? After this day and night? I’m not scared of Jared and I’m not scared of jail – let’s stop running.” Celine was distressed – “We gotta keep movin’ baby or something horrible will happen – I feel it.” Morty looked up at her – “You survived the hospital and I survived Nesser trying to kill me on Runyon Canyon's bulldozer fall – what could possibly be worse than that? Jared? He’s just a bully.”
People stopped and stared at the duo. Morty snapped – “What ya lookin’ at? Get outta here!” Celine chimed in – “Never seen a woman with a false leg before? I got two! Wanna see me dance for you?” The small crowd moved along – as they whispered – loudly. “Freaks” “What are those?” “Did you smell what I smelled?” “I was gonna take a picture but that big black man scared me.” “What about the guy with no hands? Side-show!” Celine leaned over and touched her 4’6” paramour’s face - pleading – “Let’s find a place to hide – please Morty – please. Don’t try and fight with him. I can’t lose you again.”
Forearmless Jake piped in – rattling off – “Never push it. It ain’t worth it. Like… like the time I pushed a cart in front of a bus – that’s how I lost my hands.” The trio listened. “Okay… okay… I lost my hands from smokin’ too much crack and set ‘em on fire! No… that’s not it… Adelina Weakley chopped ‘em off when I babysat for her kid and she got mad I wouldn’t let him play Hookers ‘n Crackas!” Silence.
Jake looked confused. “Maybe I was born this way - actually.” Embarrassed - “Pikey – let’s find your girl. Let ‘em deal with der own fate.” Pikey’s eyes enveloped Celine tenderly – turning his head side-to-side. He wished she spoke to him with the same tenderness but he knew his destined love lived on in his DVD girl – E.M. Fredric’s Early Works – gifting him solace whenever his mind confused his thoughts. Celine felt Pikey’s stare – “Go on Pike – find your girl. It took me forever to find my man. She’s just only gone missing – you’ll get her back.” She smiled at him as they heard Peter shout – “Jared! Jared! Over here!!!! I see Shorty!”
Peter ran back towards Jared – crossing the street haphazardly - he dropped Babes. Cars honked as he lifted her back up and he raced on – kissing her quickly with an apology.
Josh stood in shock – he couldn’t believe his eyes and didn’t think to lift his camera. He had never seen a woman with a crutch for a leg before. San Francisco had nothing on Krazytown. His lips involuntarily mouthed – “Amazing – Oscars here I come.”
Morty stepped in – “Go on Pikey – get your girl. I can take care of mine.” The huge man hesitated as Forearmless prodded – “Go on – ya heard da man – let’s go find her.” Pikey took a parting glance at Celine and then they were gone – leaving the tired duo alone. Celine was nervous – “We’ve got to hide – please.” An exhausted Morty scratched his head – “Let’s go – toots.” He took her hand and lead her down the street – knowing she couldn’t go much further. This day into night had been the longest period of his life - that he could remember – sober.
Celine hadn't felt so alone and frightened since she realized she had forgotten how she lost her legs and she couldn't even remember when that was. She looked at her man and knew their love was deep but feared she would lose him this night.
To be continued...
I love these characters, the Krazytown neighorhoods they reside in with the other misfits, tourists and has been or wannabe - "bluebloods." This journey goes beyond the films or the in-character interviews. I hope they will bring you as much pleasure as I had creating them. And will keep going... yesirree she will...